I'm having an odd week. I keep finding myself on Myspace, then feeling guilty about it. I'm mostly getting on there to see if I have emails from some long lost comrades that I recently found, but for whatever reason, I associate Myspace with 13-year-olds. Now, facebook is completely acceptable(in short doses) but no one of my maturity level(arrogance level) should be Myspacing.
I'm just frustrated because I wanted to get caught up on things at work this week and got farther behind instead. I had no access to my computer yesterday and was at a training for a large part of today. I'm leaving town at noon tomorrow to be matron of honor at the wedding of a childhood friend (Yay Katie Beth!) and won't be back until Sunday afternoon, so I'm getting quite anxious about the amount of work not getting done. I'm still so fixated on getting things accomplished that I psyche myself out and have evenings like tonight where i'm so worried about my lack of productivity that i spend 6 hours piddling around.
Sorry friends, this blog is quite the downer. I may not actually post it. I'm not saying anything of importance except that I'm crabby, and no one needs more negativity in their lives. Hmm...
The Social Action Movie Night went well last friday. I was at the church until 11pm talking with some people about the state of the world, which was enjoyable. I'm now thinking about how to make myself more accessible as an Ally, especially when I'm working with the young people this fall. I'm considering getting a (tasteful and professional) lapel pin, maybe a rainbow ribbon or flag, to wear during presentations and groups. Thoughts? All you lurkers out there: I know you're reading because I use StatCounter! Make a comment! Let there be interaction!
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Fruits of my labor
Today I had my first experience of eating my own home grown food. I plucked 3 leaves off of my best producing lettuce plant, wrapped them in a napkin and put them on a cheese sandwich at lunch. Unfortunately, my lunch happened in 10 minutes at my desk, while preparing a presentation on birth control for a group of teen parents. So I didn't savor the lettuce. But I did show it off to a few people. My lettuce is really beautiful, I'm going to add some pictures later this week. My peas are podding and potatoes are blooming. Its so exciting!!
Work today was crazy. I had to call DCFS(Department of Child & Family Services) to make a child abuse allegation about a client. This is always good for the working relationship. I also went to a staffing (a meeting where everyone working with a family gets together and makes a game plan) and the mom showed up 40 minutes late and drunk(like comedy movie drunk-hair sticking up, red lipstick smeared across the face). She is someone i had a lot of hope for, but she seems like she is not really ready for sobriety. She desperately wants to stop drinking, but isn't dealing with her mental health issues and has no support system, so when something bad happens she just starts drinking again. Its like she can't help it. But that doesn't matter, she can't have her baby if she can't stay sober(Not that I get to make that call, thank the Goodness). I told my boss today that I can feel myself getting more jaded as the week progresses. I am learning a lot but these are the lessons that occur as you build layers over your heart. Being a social worker does not always line up with my idea of a good person. I want to have complete trust in the goodness of the people i come across and I'm learning not to trust them at all. It is hard to know what the right thing is in this situation. I talked with this particular client yesterday and she tried to turn the phone call into a conversation blaming other people for her situation and tearing them down, and I got really hard with her, saying "This is not what I am in your life for, to complain about this woman. We need to focus on You . You messed up pretty big time this week and its going to take a lot of work to fix this" etc. My bosses were very supportive of putting on my "mean wendy hat" which never gets worn and I know that this woman did not need someone to listen to her pity party saying "oh yeah your life is so bad, i totally see why you got drunk" but its still hard to see myself getting jaded. Not that I'm really that hard, I have to laugh at myself for being worried about it, but I know its a gradual change and its scary that i see it starting.
After a short step back: I know that i am a chronic people pleaser. maybe this is not so much getting jaded as it is letting go of my need to be liked in favor of saying what needs to be said to genuinely benefit someone. I truly believe that love is doing what is best for people, not what they want, but how arrogant is that to think i know what is best for people? Why did i chose such a complex field? I should be in a profession with a straightforward manual, with only one way to do it right.
In other news I talked to a lot of neighbors tonight. Dorothy escaped and as Chris was carrying her home(a hilarious sight I have to say) Arlene next door was in the yard, so I talked with her and her daughter Gail who has foster dogs(how cool is that!)Then Natalie across the street was outside and Chris and I had ice cream with her when the ice cream truck went by. I was taking out the garbage and our neighbors across the alley had their garage open and I ran across to introduce myself like the nerd that I am. Cassie and Mark(i think), who are around our age and have two small kids and don't know a lot of people either. I am really excited, I am making friends! Or at least potential friends. AND my new friend Kasey and I are going to the Ani Difranco concert next month! AND my friend Traci may be moving to town! OK, good, focusing on my well developing personal life has distracted me from my somewhat depressing professional life.
Work today was crazy. I had to call DCFS(Department of Child & Family Services) to make a child abuse allegation about a client. This is always good for the working relationship. I also went to a staffing (a meeting where everyone working with a family gets together and makes a game plan) and the mom showed up 40 minutes late and drunk(like comedy movie drunk-hair sticking up, red lipstick smeared across the face). She is someone i had a lot of hope for, but she seems like she is not really ready for sobriety. She desperately wants to stop drinking, but isn't dealing with her mental health issues and has no support system, so when something bad happens she just starts drinking again. Its like she can't help it. But that doesn't matter, she can't have her baby if she can't stay sober(Not that I get to make that call, thank the Goodness). I told my boss today that I can feel myself getting more jaded as the week progresses. I am learning a lot but these are the lessons that occur as you build layers over your heart. Being a social worker does not always line up with my idea of a good person. I want to have complete trust in the goodness of the people i come across and I'm learning not to trust them at all. It is hard to know what the right thing is in this situation. I talked with this particular client yesterday and she tried to turn the phone call into a conversation blaming other people for her situation and tearing them down, and I got really hard with her, saying "This is not what I am in your life for, to complain about this woman. We need to focus on You . You messed up pretty big time this week and its going to take a lot of work to fix this" etc. My bosses were very supportive of putting on my "mean wendy hat" which never gets worn and I know that this woman did not need someone to listen to her pity party saying "oh yeah your life is so bad, i totally see why you got drunk" but its still hard to see myself getting jaded. Not that I'm really that hard, I have to laugh at myself for being worried about it, but I know its a gradual change and its scary that i see it starting.
After a short step back: I know that i am a chronic people pleaser. maybe this is not so much getting jaded as it is letting go of my need to be liked in favor of saying what needs to be said to genuinely benefit someone. I truly believe that love is doing what is best for people, not what they want, but how arrogant is that to think i know what is best for people? Why did i chose such a complex field? I should be in a profession with a straightforward manual, with only one way to do it right.
In other news I talked to a lot of neighbors tonight. Dorothy escaped and as Chris was carrying her home(a hilarious sight I have to say) Arlene next door was in the yard, so I talked with her and her daughter Gail who has foster dogs(how cool is that!)Then Natalie across the street was outside and Chris and I had ice cream with her when the ice cream truck went by. I was taking out the garbage and our neighbors across the alley had their garage open and I ran across to introduce myself like the nerd that I am. Cassie and Mark(i think), who are around our age and have two small kids and don't know a lot of people either. I am really excited, I am making friends! Or at least potential friends. AND my new friend Kasey and I are going to the Ani Difranco concert next month! AND my friend Traci may be moving to town! OK, good, focusing on my well developing personal life has distracted me from my somewhat depressing professional life.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
No news
Well, I lied. Things did not go back to normal on June 1. Now I'm just busy with boring things-catching up on paperwork, mostly. But I still feel like I'm racing around with too much to do. Maybe July will be better.
One fun thing I am doing is revising curriculum and making plans for changes to next year's programs. We are looking at adapting a high school program for a junior high program and I was talking to my boss about it. "This looks great!" I said. "Maybe just a little less sex." "Uh, no Wendy, we need to have plenty of sex, we're going to be hearing all about that at our next meeting with the state." "OK, we'll have plenty of sex then." She didn't laugh, but I thought this was hilarious. The fact that I get to say this kind of stuff still brings me a lot of joy.
Last weekend I attended a retreat sponsored by the Reclaiming Moral Values Forum of Progressive Action for the Common Good of the Quad Cities. The retreat was at the Our
Lady of the Prairie Retreat House, which I had never been to before. It was a good opportunity for me to start thinking about that part of my life again, which i haven't for a while. It was not as in-depth spiritually as what I would have liked, but then that is hard to do when you aren't coming to the topic with a common faith tradition. I met the pastor of our local Unitarian church, as well as someone who is a member. I am planning to check it out one of these Sundays.
I also met some good people, and am feeling enthusiastic about getting involved. Caroline, who is the PACG Organizer, coordinates a monthly Social Action movie night, which I've volunteered to help with. I picked out this month's title-"for the Bible Tells me so." I'm excited to possibly have a place to go and do some work, because i know that i don't do any when left to my own devices. I guess that's not altogether true. I've been doing a lot of changes in my personal life this year, but its time for me to go get active in the broader world, and that is easier to do within a supportive group. I went to a Peace Vigil that another PACG group has on Thursday afternoons. I've been wanting to do that since I found out about it in March, of course today, my first time attending, we had a major rainstorm. But it was really great, we got a lot of honks and waves and I found out that someone I work with is a member of the Peace Forum. I am hoping to make it a regular Thursday event.
So I guess there is some news, just nothing work related. Thats ok, time for some personal development, i guess.
One fun thing I am doing is revising curriculum and making plans for changes to next year's programs. We are looking at adapting a high school program for a junior high program and I was talking to my boss about it. "This looks great!" I said. "Maybe just a little less sex." "Uh, no Wendy, we need to have plenty of sex, we're going to be hearing all about that at our next meeting with the state." "OK, we'll have plenty of sex then." She didn't laugh, but I thought this was hilarious. The fact that I get to say this kind of stuff still brings me a lot of joy.
Last weekend I attended a retreat sponsored by the Reclaiming Moral Values Forum of Progressive Action for the Common Good of the Quad Cities. The retreat was at the Our
Lady of the Prairie Retreat House, which I had never been to before. It was a good opportunity for me to start thinking about that part of my life again, which i haven't for a while. It was not as in-depth spiritually as what I would have liked, but then that is hard to do when you aren't coming to the topic with a common faith tradition. I met the pastor of our local Unitarian church, as well as someone who is a member. I am planning to check it out one of these Sundays.
I also met some good people, and am feeling enthusiastic about getting involved. Caroline, who is the PACG Organizer, coordinates a monthly Social Action movie night, which I've volunteered to help with. I picked out this month's title-"for the Bible Tells me so." I'm excited to possibly have a place to go and do some work, because i know that i don't do any when left to my own devices. I guess that's not altogether true. I've been doing a lot of changes in my personal life this year, but its time for me to go get active in the broader world, and that is easier to do within a supportive group. I went to a Peace Vigil that another PACG group has on Thursday afternoons. I've been wanting to do that since I found out about it in March, of course today, my first time attending, we had a major rainstorm. But it was really great, we got a lot of honks and waves and I found out that someone I work with is a member of the Peace Forum. I am hoping to make it a regular Thursday event.
So I guess there is some news, just nothing work related. Thats ok, time for some personal development, i guess.
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